I feel like I’m failing at everything (or barely hanging on)

-Single parenting
-Unhappy relationship with Walter
-Unsteady income due to my “temporary” and “part-time” position
-Late to the class I teach
-Not happy with the way I taught the class
-Late to TWO certificate ceremonies (for which I don’t get paid to be there anyway, but still, I would like to make a good impression)
-Behind on grading
-House is a mess
-In debt
-Still trying to get this guy to move out (He agreed to move at the end of the month, but we’ll see. I am going to have to force him)
-Living with my mom, with whom I don’t get along well
-Baby needs a bath
-A bunch of paperwork to fill out and things to mail
-No groceries
-I never cook (when would I???)
-I rarely exercise
-Overeat
-All because I’m unhappy
-Must get help for myself and get Walter out
-Thank goodness I have a month off to try to catch up on everything

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The saga continues

I wish I could write about happy or mundane things, like my baby, cloth diapers or other mom stuff, but I have to get some things out of my head and onto this screen because I don’t really have anyone to talk to.

This morning, Walter said he would stay in the baby’s room downstairs so that he could be here to take care of her (and probably because he can’t afford to live anywhere else), but I have been asking him to do this for over a year and he rarely stays down there.

He has a problem with boundaries.

I set them and he purposely breaks them.

I don’t want to be enmeshed with him or anybody.

So tonight, after I had nursed the baby to sleep, he was sitting on the bed next to me, and I asked him to please go downstairs.  We had already agreed that Olivia would sleep downstairs with him tonight since she was with me last night.

“I will, but I want to watch some TV first.”

In other words, he wanted to fall asleep on my bed watching TV.

I had to be firm.  I told him no, that he could use the computer monitor in her room to watch Netflix or whatever. He said he didn’t want to do that, that there was no cable box, blah blah blah.

I told him to buy himself a TV or cable box because I didn’t want him hanging out in my room anymore.  I wanted to be alone.

“I know you’re up to something.”

“I’m not, but even if I were, it’s none of your business.  I never get to be alone anymore.  I just want to be alone and grade papers.”  I also wanted to write this post.

Then he proceeded to complain about how cold it is downstairs, and how he couldn’t find a blanket.

“You want me to find a blanket for you?” I asked incredulously.

“Yeah because I have her.” (He was holding Olivia.)

“Well give her to me so you can go look for one.”

He turned with her and muttered something.

I am trying to stay strong.

I need counseling, but I have been so busy working and taking care of Olivia that I just haven’t gotten around to it.

It’s a classic “codependent” relationship that has to stop.

My hope to have another baby has to wait.  I never knew how strong the yearning for a baby could be until Olivia, my unexpected little love, with whom I had a horribly stressful pregnancy, got older and easier to take care of and more lovable by the day.

I have to move forward.  I have to focus on what’s best for her and myself now.

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This is how I ended an emotionally abusive relationship

Less than 30 minutes ago, I was reading “Gaddafi’s Harem” until about 1:45 in the morning. I was inspired by Soraya’s escape to Paris and by the fact that she found a man who loved and protected her in spite of her being a sex slave with the reputation as a “whore.”

I said, “I have to go to sleep” because my 14-month-old will wake me up early. But I stay up late because I have anxiety about my unhappiness and the lack of control that I have over my life.

As I turned off the light, I said, “I hate myself.” I hated that I let myself get this way.  I used to be so independent.

Walter responded pretty much how I thought he would: He asked why but didn’t pursue an answer when I stayed quiet. Apparently he doesn’t care or simply doesn’t know how to be emotionally supportive, so he ignored me. It is one of the worst things a person can say about themself, and he ignored me.

I thought about my friend, Steve, who, when I confided in him last week that I felt trapped, he suggested that Walter stay at his mom’s house. When Walter wasn’t home earlier this evening, I realized that I was happier without him, that I didn’t need him. I thought about how I haven’t let Walter touch me for a while and how I never wanted him to touch me again. And then he put his hand on my arm. I guess this is his way of comforting me, but it could have been something else.

I told him not to touch me, that I could never be with him. And then I lost it and said how I was disgusted with myself for letting my life get this way, that I wasn’t going to let him manipulate me anymore.

He denied that he manipulates me, and I pointed out how he tells me that I would be a slut if I got with anyone within two years of leaving him. Then he apparently changed his mind and said I would be a slut if I got with someone within a year. He knows that I want another baby (or two), and that my biological clock is ticking (I’m 29), which will be impossible (or risky at best) if I wait much longer.  I don’t want to jump into another relationship.  I need therapy.  And I don’t need to be called a slut for wanting to be in a healthy relationship.

I told him he was trying to manipulate me and that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and fine, go ahead and call me a slut. And he said that I am a slut for wanting to be with other guys, to which I replied that I didn’t, but that seemed like the only way to get away from him. He said that he would “leave tomorrow” but that he wouldn’t be able to take care of our baby if he left. I told him to go ahead and leave, that I would hire a babysitter, “I have a job.” I said, “How dare you call me a slut!” (That is what Gaddafi called his sex slaves.) I told him to get out of my room. He told me that I’m mean, especially to my family members.

“OK, I’m mean,” I said.  I wasn’t going to be manipulated anymore.

He tried to take the baby with him, but I wouldn’t let him, and he walked out. I nursed her. I didn’t want him to come back, so I picked her up, locked the door, turned on the fan that he always complains about, nursed my baby back to sleep and looked up “emotionally abusive relationship.”  This is what I found:

Basic Rights in a Relationship

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

  • The right to good will from the other.
  • The right to emotional support.
  • The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
  • The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
  • The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
  • The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
  • The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
  • The right to live free from accusation and blame.
  • The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
  • The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
  • The right to encouragement.
  • The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
  • The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
  • The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
  • The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

Most of those things are missing from this relationship.  I need his help taking care of our daughter, and I wish we could have another beautiful baby just like her, but I need to get out of this relationship more than I need another baby right now.

And now I am so relieved! It isn’t over, but I’m back! My spirit isn’t gone after all! I still have strength in me! Let him drink and fuck up the end of the semester! That’s his problem! I will take him to court and collect the couple thousand that he owes me plus child support (even though he doesn’t make any money, a judge will order him get a job, right?). I am free. Just gotta get him outta this house. I can’t stand living with him anymore.

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Speaking of chaos…

Wow… just wow.

Walter said he was going to “study” with a female classmate, but he is drunk and says he’s not coming home until tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, I’ve been working and taking care of Olivia, and I also paid my brother $30 to watch her for a little bit and grade some papers for me.

I am so stressed out with all of the planning and grading that I have to do.

I need to make a plan of attack before it completely overwhelms me:

1.  Look at the baby while she sleeps.  She’s so beautiful.  I’m so thankful for her and lucky that she’s my girl.  I love her.  She’s the best.

2.  Finish the lesson plan for my first class tomorrow.  Then make a lesson plan for the second class.

3.  Find a “research paper rubric” for the second class.

4.  Finish grading 18 French students’ tests, add up the scores, and enter their grades by noon.  (It’s 1:14 AM now.)

5.  Print 18 “Descriptive Essay” rubrics and grade their essays.

6.  Finish grading debates & student feedback.  Then enter scores.

7.  Print & copy handouts.  Print 17 French students’ research papers.

8.  Update participation grades & record attendance.

9.  Teach both classes.

10.  Relax. Tomorrow is another day.  Don’t focus on the stress, sadness, disappointment, etc.  “This too shall pass.”

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Chaos

My life is in chaos.

Maybe you’ve experienced this before…

Let me sum it up.

I have a beautiful 14-month-old baby with a man that I do not love.

I care about him, but I am not in love.

It’s horrible.  Even worse than you can imagine.

Her dad is a binge drinker, narcissistic (imo), anxiety-ridden and unemployed.

I teach ESL full-time (atm, but it’s hard with a baby, so I’ll probably go back to part-time).

I was lonely.

We got together.

I knew I should have avoided him.

I knew he was trouble.

Trouble and also handsome and funny and smart and hard-working (at the time).

He was hungover on our first date.

But I liked him and though I should give him a chance.

Maybe it was just a fluke.

My brain is so screwed up.

I broke up with him the day before I found out I was pregnant.

He left after we broke up and started drinking, so I just cried when I found out and didn’t tell anyone.

I told him the next day when he was still drunk.

So here I am.

He won’t get out of my room.

I don’t want him in my bed.

I tell him to sleep in the baby’s room, and that we can trade off taking care of her every night.

He says he wants to sleep in the same room with her every night.

Well so do I, but I’m willing to compromise.

I’m so tired.

It’s 10:20 p.m. and I have to post some things that I told my students I would post.

I have to update their grades.

If he comes home, he will get upset because I’m writing about this.

But I don’t care because I have nobody to talk to, and at this way I can organize my thoughts and cry about them and he can’t get upset at me for crying.

For crying.

How can you get upset at someone who is crying???

I have no emotional support.

I want that.

I want to be “independent” again.

I could be if I could just shake him and figure out why I still tolerate this bullshit.

What am I afraid of?

Being alone again?

Being alone sounds pretty good right about now.

At least nobody would get mad at me for crying.

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